Alias, if you are out there somewhere, you'd better listen up and listen good. I am GLAD you just ended. There. I said it. I am tired of you jerking me around, playing with my heart. You have now eaten over 60 of my precious hours on this planet. Each time I acquire one of your seasons, I think, "This will be the last one. Finally, last season's enormous cliffhanger will be resolved. At long last, you will mercifully tie up some plotlines and answer my questions. After all this, I will have my life back so that I can establish myself as a cognitive neuroscientist of note while simultaneously pursuing my many interests in the artistic realm. I will be a whole man again."
But NOOOOO. That would be just too darn easy, wouldn't it? EVERY FREAKING TIME, I think it's over, and it's not. I think someone's dead, they're still alive. I finally figure out that someone is a bad guy... oh wait! Just kidding! They're a good guy! No... bad guy! But now they're good again but now their motivation to be good is gone so they've gone back to bad and oh no please let it stop....
At the end of Seasons 1 and 2, I kind of knew what was coming. That was fine. I knew I was in for three seasons, at least. But then at the end of Season 3, you just had to go and throw another damn monkey wrench in the works, didn't you?! But, again, fine. Whatever. No biggie. I could see the end in sight. Season 4 starts, kind of boring at first, and I'm like, "OK, that's cool. Clearly you're almost out of ideas for the big plotline, so you'll just be kind of dull for the first half of the season, and then you'll wrap pretty much everything up at the end of the season for May sweeps, and then Season 5 will be you just kind of limping along until the series ends and I won't have to watch it." And I was mostly right. Boring first half of season, then mid-season comes along, and all of a sudden... interesting again! Here's the plotline I was hoping to see wrapped up! Oh, look, everything's coming to a dramatic climax! For crying out loud, THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO END! I mean, come on! What else can you do with a series after you do THAT story? Nothing, right? Wrong! So you save the world (I expected that), all the prophecies came true, blah blah blah... and I'm like, doctor of philosophy degree, here I come!
BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
AWWWW, COME ON!
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND DO THAT?
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(sound of head hitting keyboard)
(silence)
(then, gentle sobbing)
(longer silence)
Fine.
One more season.
But just remember... you were cancelled. I saw it on the news. You're over. After Season 5, no more. You have aired your last episode. Alias is no more.
So I will watch your little Season 5 like the good little puppety monkey boy that I am. After all, what's another 15 hours of my life pissed away?
But let me tell you one thing: THAT HAD BETTER BE IT.
No spinoffs.
No opportunities for movie tie-ins.
No ambiguous endings.
I demand closure. YOU WILL NOT GIVE ME ANOTHER CLIFFHANGER, YOU HEAR ME?! NO MORE CLIFFHANGERS! CLOSURE!!!!!!!
OK? You got that? Just so we're clear.
All right. Now, I am going to go procure Season 5, and meanwhile I will try to get some work done.
That is all.
End transmission.
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4 comments:
TV on DVD is WONDERFUL. I also recommend watching "arrested development," which I think you might love if you got into it. speaking of, I really need to re-watch season 2, of which I've only seen enough episodes to know a rough outline of what happens (lucille, loose-seal, borine anne, mexico, etc.). and if dani's looking for a not-terribly interesting job, my old development research job may be coming up vacant in the next few months...
I third the fact that DVD is the ultimate medium for TV shows (especially half-hour comedies--they go down like 22-min pieces of candy). DEFINITELY watch Arrested Development. I pimp Veronica Mars to everyone I know--Matt would like it, if he likes Alias so much (hot girl detective + intelligent crimes + humor, intrigue and relationships = good fun for all). I still like Desperate Housewives, but its cache has fallen in the last year and Grey's Anatomy has become the new Hot Show to Watch, so I'm taping reruns this summer to see if it's something I want to get started with in the fall.
And Matt, this occurred to me the other day when I was in the gym and (ugh) forced to watch the View--somewhere, a poor, forgotten Lisa Ling is crying in her chamomile that her biggest fan has replaced her in his heart with another. I'm just sayin'.
TV on DVD is definitely the way to go. I no longer watch any TV on TV.
TV on, ahem, slightly illicit downloaded Windows Media or RealPlayer files is also pretty sweet. That's especially nice because you can fit an entire season of a show on a single data DVD, which means less battery usage if you are on the road.
ST, I'm not positive, but I am about 85% sure you will LOVE Alias. If you would like me to hook you up with a copy of Season 1 for the weekend, I would be happy to oblige.
oh, and because I keep forgetting to ask -- can you hook me up with latter seasons of arrested development?
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